Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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