i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
