OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
