I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
