If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
