How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
