The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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