Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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