I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
