paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
