Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Everclear isn't food dammit
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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