You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it's like iHOP with fire
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
