maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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