I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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