I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
