so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize