and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
i think my cat just said my name.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
