Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
