someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
