Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Sober January is a disaster.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
