You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Four minutes until I can fart!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
