I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
