Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
nutella sex= disaster
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
