her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
