I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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