Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize