i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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