If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize