So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
