I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
