omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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