I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize