We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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