I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
So here I am, sexting at work.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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