Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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