How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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