Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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