Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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