she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
