So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
