We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
