Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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