So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
