Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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