I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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