I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
