You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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