So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
