Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
there was a trapeze. enough said
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
