Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
