I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
