1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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