And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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