I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize