Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
