All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
