I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
