How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
