now i know why i became what i already was.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
