I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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