i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
