someone threw a dead crab at me
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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